March 21 - April 19 Aries
You’re missing LOST. We all are. Just a couple more weeks and it will be back. Watch reruns of Star Trek - Voyager to slake your thirst and relive the absolute fabulousness of Captain Katherine Janeway. Did they ever escape the Delta Quadrant?
April 20 - May 20 Taurus
It’s time. You knew this was coming. Go get a pocket dog already.
May 21 - June 20 Gemini
When you go through the airport and they lose your bags, do not, repeat, do not spit at the authority figure who tells you this.
June 21 - July 22 Cancer
If you happen to be the Leader of the Free World, stay up an hour later tonight than usual and go to bed at 10pm. Just for kicks, because tomorrow’s Saturday and you have the day off.
July 23 - August 22 Leo
David Beckham is looking for you. Stop avoiding his calls and get it over with.
August 23 - September 22 Virgo
There’s a book you need to read (Gidget by Frederick Kohner), and don’t be misled - though written for and about teenagers, you will dig it immensely. And it’s a hell of a lot different than the squeaky clean TV version starring Sally Field in the 60’s. The book has pathos - in spades. I kid you not.
September 23 - October 22 Libra
Here’s a radical thought… pay your taxes.
October 23 - November 21 Scorpio
You’ve been on the fence for awhile about this, but it’s time to do it. Wash your hair.
November 22 - December 21 Sagittarius
A tall dark good-looking stranger will approach you at a sporting event this weekend and yell at you for spilling beer on them.
December 22 - January 19 Capricorn
Your lucky day this month is Friday, April 25. Fly to a city in the southern part of the United States whose first letter begins with “A.” All will be revealed.
January 20 - February 18 Aquarius
Make it an 80’s weekend. Netflix The Breakfast Club and figure out which character you would have been. Play nothing but 80’s music all weekend and wear leg warmers.
February 19 - March 20 Pisces
Burnt orange is your color this weekend. Wear it everywhere, including the gym.