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Archive for April 2008

God bless Keith Olbermann, and God bless America for being a democracy where we can question our leaders and take them to task when necessary and freely state our opinions. On last night’s show, Olbermann shone the bright light of truth into Bush’s squirrely press conference yesterday where everyone except himself and his policies were scapegoated for the economic shape this country is in.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yIS06I84wUc]

March 21 - April 19 Aries
Three words: Big. Fat. Brain. Investigate thoroughly and rejoice in their sweet unholy genius as they unveil yet another crazy viral hit today on My Damn Channel: Sn4tchbuckl3r’s Second Chance.

April 20 - May 20 Taurus
Another year under your belt, congratulations! Celebrate by going to see fellow Taurean Miss Elizabeth Stamatina Fey’s new movie, Baby Mama, this weekend. Any movie that has both Amy Poehler and Tina Fey in it has to be worth two hours of your time. And by the way, if you haven’t already, start obsessing frantically over the brilliance of Tina’s contribution to the arid landscape of television comedy: 30 Rock. Fall deeply and desperately in love with Alec Baldwin.

May 21 - June 20 Gemini
O Gemini, I urge you to go to iTunes and download this week’s scoop* du jour pick of the week: I Am Waiting by the Rolling Stones. From Aftermath, released in 1966. A tiny slice of pure fabulousness, with dulcimer. It’s unlikely you ever heard this song on the radio – discover it today as if it were a succulent peach, and enjoy it as the juice dribbles down your chin.

June 21 - July 22 Cancer
Girlfriends, sign up posthaste for the Girlie Girl Army email list (tailored to NY, LA, Philly, Atlanta, or SF) – Your Guide to Glamazon Living. Quoth the wickedly wonderful Chloe Jo (list owner): Are you so sick of snobby girlie sites telling you were to buy Free Range Kobe beef or how to travel in Private planes? That is SO not our spiel (as if!!). We are their smarter older sister who wouldn’t be caught dead in fur, knows who the hottest band is before they hit the airwaves (and maybe even dated the drummer), and scour vintage stores like lunatics. You’ll be clicking unsubscribe on all those cheesy newsletters before we can say Green Goddess. Recipes, sales, causes, books, music, pets, veganism, ecology and all that good stuff tailored to your geographical location.

July 23 - August 22 Leo
The Leo of the Week is the redoubtable Helen Thomas, born in Winchester, Kentucky on August 4, 1920 and still going strong. She’s been kicking ass on the White House beat since JFK’s time and earlier this week took current White House spokesperson Dana Perino to task about Bush’s recent admission he signed off on torture. Watch it here. Send her flowers!!

August 23 - September 22 Virgo
If you live in New York City or your travels take you there, get yourself to the Kellari Taverna on 44th Street between 5th and 6th Avenues and make sure to order the Katsikisio specialty appetizer: warm goat cheese baked with dried apricots, Metaxa & Almond. Um, words fail me.

September 23 - October 22 Libra
Netflix the classic 1965 film Cat Ballou. In which Jane Fonda plays a smokin’ hot schoolteacher in Wyoming who hires a gunfighter to avenge her father’s murder. Said gunfighter is played hilariously by Lee Marvin. Throughout the film, Nat King Cole and Stubby Kaye provide a running musical commentary on the plot’s twists and turns.

October 23 - November 21 Scorpio
If you’re living in or visiting Los Angeles, sign up for an Esotouric Bus Adventure. These folks are sick and twisted in just the way we like. Upcoming tours including Raymond Chandler’s Los Angeles (May 3rd), Blood and Dumplings (May 10th), The Real Black Dahlia (June 21st). Speaking of weird LA, check out the 1947project.

November 22 - December 21 Sagittarius
O Best Beloved, please to visit the Best Web Site ever made - The Saint of the Month Club, unfortunately no longer active but you can still spend hours there. Glory, Glory, Glory! Josh Gosfield, who among other things was the Art Director of New York Magazine for 10 years, is responsible for this beauty.
Read more here.

December 22 - January 19 Capricorn
Develop a raging crush on Keith Olbermann, and indulge in your weeknightly fix at 8pm on MSNBC. Go there, and be healed. This man’s insights on the current state of the world shine like a light through the darkness of the parade of horribles, yet he can still say sentences like “Sometimes when we focus too much on who will lead our country, we lose sight of the important things, like celebrity babies.”

January 20 - February 18 Aquarius
It’s finally Spring. Hurry up and get outside before it’s Summer, which global warming indicates could be as early as ten minutes from now. Zingah!

February 19 - March 20 Pisces
Change your middle name legally to Hussein.

March 21 - April 19 Aries
Rediscover David Bowie. This is your weekend assignment.

April 20 - May 20 Taurus
Take a really long bubble bath and drink from a flute of champagne. There, now. Don’t you feel better?

May 21 - June 20 Gemini
Set your Tivo or DVR to tape the worst (and funniest) movie of all time, The Legend of Billie Jean, on Monday April 21 at 11:30AM on Turner Movie Classics. In which Helen Slater gets a goddess complex and starts a children’s crusade, smack dab in the epicenter of the Me Decade. Keep an eye out for the incredible Yeardley Smith as one of Billie Jean’s cohorts. Fair is Fair!

June 21 - July 22 Cancer
You need guidance and advice – and who doesn’t? scoop* du jour has just the person for you to talk to. Dena Paduano is a life coach with a psychic twist who can help you figure out what’s next and how best to proceed on the path.

July 23 - August 22 Leo
Listen to Radio David Byrne, which this month takes as its theme Turkish Pop Music. The word is transcendent.

August 23 - September 22 Virgo
Three words for you: The Yummy List. Investigate this delicious occasional ramble of all things yummy sent out into the world by writer Holly Gleason.

September 23 - October 22 Libra
Je t’aime…moi non plus. Find out everything you can about the late brilliant & debauched artist Serge Gainsbourg. It will help to drink lots of black coffee and smoke some gauloises while working on this assignment.

October 23 - November 21 Scorpio
Build a little altar to the genius of Stephen Colbert. Because he’s just, well, so damn good!

November 22 - December 21 Sagittarius
Go on and do it, do it, do it ’til you’re satisfied, whatever it is, do it, do it ’til you’re satisfied. (B.T. Express)

December 22 - January 19 Capricorn
Discover the beauteous and hysterically funny Catie Lazarus, writer/comedian/doctorate dropout. West coasters can catch her in person tomorrow night, Saturday April 19 at the Steve Allen Theater in LA as part of the Tomorrow Show, also on Monday April 21 on What’s Up Tiger Lily? 1745 North Vermont Ave. in LA. New Yorkers can see her next Friday April 25 at The Puffin Room in NYC. Lewis Black called her “more brilliant than she will ever know.” We’re going to go all 16-Magazine on you now ….itza-don’t-miss!

January 20 - February 18 Aquarius
You’ve probably never heard of the Kit Kats, a 60’s band from Philadelphia. Doesn’t matter. Go to iTunes immediately and download Let’s Get Lost On A Country Road. It’s 2 minutes and 41 seconds of pure, underrated baroque pop heaven, inspired by Aaron Copland.

February 19 - March 20 Pisces
Make a date with your teevee set for Sunday night at 9pm (8 central) to see the Rock of Love 2 Reunion on VH1, even if you never watched the series. Be sure to have something on hand that can alter your mind a teensy bit because you’ll need it. Word on the street says that Bret is going to cry on the show. ‘Nuff said.

Apr 18

Danny Federici

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my deepest condolences to Danny’s family on his passing yesterday at Memorial Sloan-Kettering. may he rest in peace. please visit www.thedannyfedericimelanomafund.com.

Tonight my bag is packed
Tomorrow I’ll walk these tracks
That will lead me across the border

Tomorrow my love and I
Will sleep ‘neath auburn skies
Somewhere across the border

We’ll leave behind my dear
The pain and sadness we found here
And we’ll drink from the Bravo’s muddy waters

Where the sky grows grey and white
We’ll meet on the other side
There across the border
- Bruce Springsteen, Across The Border

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EHNlq0AWr_E]

amen and freakin’ hallelujah………… the boss is on board.

“After the terrible damage done over the past eight years, a great American reclamation project needs to be undertaken. I believe that Senator Obama is the best candidate to lead that project and to lead us into the 21st Century with a renewed sense of moral purpose and of ourselves as Americans.” - Bruce Springsteen

Read the whole endorsement here

When you’re seventeen, people think they can do anything to you. Billie Jean is about to prove them wrong. The last thing she ever expected was to become a hero.
- tag line for THE LEGEND OF BILLIE JEAN (Tri-Star Pictures, 1985)

there are a handful of movies that cause me to wonder how in the sam hill did someone ever sell this idea? positioned right on the top of this list of tragically bad (and therefore deliciously fun to watch) is The Legend of Billie Jean, released smack dab in the middle of the eighties.

this dog has bad clothes, bad hair, bad music, and a plot that will make you say to yourself - how in the name of all that’s holy did someone come up with this (A), and then convince someone to put up money to make this into a major motion picture (B)?

i tried to nutshell the plot but there are so many bizarre quirks that…….well, let’s just say that this is a tad larger than a nutshell:

Billie Jean Davy (played by Helen Slater) lives in a texas trailer park with her brother Binx (played by no-relation Christian Slater in his first movie role). (you can already tell it’s going to be good, right?) After Binx’s honda scooter is stolen and then trashed by a group of delinquent kids Billie and Binx tell the local police chief (played by Peter Coyote, who is incredible as usual) but they are blown off as just another teenage incident and who cares.

Billie and Binx pay a visit to the father of one of the delinquent kids to give him a bill for repairs to the scooter. long story short the dad tries to get Billie Jean alone and rape her. meanwhile Binx happens on a gun in the cash register and shoots the dad in the shoulder when he sees that something’s going on. the two kids leave, gather a couple of their friends, jump in the family sedan, and run away from home becoming fugitives of justice. because that’s what would occur to anyone, right?

fabulous, isn’t it?? it gets better!

the runaway gang consists of Billie Jean, Binx and two friends - Ophelia (played by Martha Gehman) and Putter (played by Yeardley Smith, who is a true crackup and worth watching the movie for). they end up running into a spoiled rich kid named Lloyd (played by Keith Gordon) who is all alone in his big house because his father, a famous politician, is out of town on business.

Lloyd invites them to stay in the house with him while they regroup and figure out what’s next. the story is all over the news by now and the Peter Coyote character is chasing them like they’re Bonnie and Clyde, having realized (too late) that he should have dealt with this whole thing better in the beginning.

the movie’s pivotal scene takes place in Lloyd’s house as the gang rests and relaxes. they watch the 1957 classic film Saint Joan on TV (the Otto Preminger film starring Jean Seberg). Billie disappears into the bathroom and emerges later with her hair cut really short a la Saint Joan. (note: she cuts her hair herself, and perfectly) she’s now seeing herself as a crusader for justice and has come up with a tag line of her own: “Fair is Fair.”

to advance their cause, the gang has decided to fake-kidnap Lloyd (his idea - he’s rich and bored) so they can get some news coverage since his dad is famous. Lloyd (who fancies himself a bit of a filmmaker) makes a video of Billie talking about the scooter incident, how they are not thieves, and basically she wants everyone to realize that - you got it - fair is fair. they get the tape to a local TV station and it is broadcast ad nauseum, which makes Billie Jean a huge counterculture hero to the teens. girls all over the area cut their hair short like hers as a sign of solidarity with the cause.

now come on………..don’t you love it?!

the local radio station stages a Billie Jean rally to capitalize on the story, and it is well attended by tons of teens with signs that read ‘fair is fair.’ meanwhile, the evil dad has set up a stand on the beach to make some money off the media phenomenon and is selling Billie Jean t-shirts and posters. there’s a huge showdown between the real Billie Jean (who attends the rally along with the rest of the gang, but they all blend in because everyone looks like her) and the evil dad. of course it all ends well, justice is served, and fair turns out to indeed be fair. and Peter Coyote presumably keeps his job even though he really messed up preventing this debacle.

i mean……….seriously. don’t you immediately want to see this film? well thanks to the good folks at imdb.com, i can tell you that it will be shown on Turner Movie Classics thursday april 17 at 7:30am and monday april 21 at 11:30am. (i’ll be setting the DVR - all this plot retelling has me jonesing to see it for the 200th time). alas, it has not (yet) been released to DVD, but was at one time distributed via VHS.

The Legend of Billie Jean was targeted to the MTV generation but actually got bad reviews (amazing, i know) and only grossed about 3.5 million. Pat Benatar’s song “Invicible” was it’s theme and the only thing that was a bona fide hit about this film.

Legend of Billie Jean

March 21 - April 19 Aries
This weekend, you should consider slowing down and even completely stopping for several minutes, in the spirit of the splendid folks at Improv Everywhere’s “Frozen Grand Central.”

April 20 - May 20 Taurus
Go to Sedona and get thee to a vortex.

May 21 - June 20 Gemini
Sunday afternoon at 3pm you have a date with destiny: listen to Bill Kelly’s radio show The Teenage Wasteland on WFMU. According to Bill, The only things that really matter are baseball and rrreal rock and roll. And he’s right. Mr. Kelly is the Panjandrum of Punk, the Sultan of Surf, and the Viceroy of Vinyl – among other things. He’s been at this since 1978 – and he is still the best.

June 21 - July 22 Cancer
It’s time you realized the world is going to hell in a handbasket. (What is a handbasket, anyway?)

July 23 - August 22 Leo
Don’t take that job you were considering as Lindsay Lohan’s bodyguard.

August 23 - September 22 Virgo
Your assignment this weekend is to read “The Four Hour Workweek” by Timothy Ferriss. And your life will be changed.

September 23 - October 22 Libra
Listen to nothing but the Beatles all day Saturday and Sunday.

October 23 - November 21 Scorpio
If you’re planning to take a trip anywhere this weekend on American Airlines . . . you may want to rethink that.

November 22 - December 21 Sagittarius
Watch as many episodes of Rock of Love 2 as you can find. Where do they find these people?? And then take a really long hot shower to cleanse yourself thoroughly.

December 22 - January 19 Capricorn
Start a campaign against megalomania.

January 20 - February 18 Aquarius
Breathe.

February 19 - March 20 Pisces
The Cars? Or Duran Duran? If you live in New York City, you can help solve this conundrum by going to Joe’s Pub tonight April 11 or tomorrow April 12 and digging the world-famous Losers Lounge. “Straddle the line in discord and rhyme…I’m on the hunt I’m after you…Mouth is alive with juices like wine…And I’m hungry like the wolf.” YEAH, BABY, YEAH!!

US MAGAZINE reports that Brit’s lil sis, Jamie Lynn, celebrated her 17th birthday last week with Casey Aldridge, her fiancee and baby daddy. Casey and Jamie Lynn marked the occasion by shopping at Wal-Mart and dining at a chain restaurant (no details on which one, alas). the rest of the Spears clan was apparently in LA with elder sister Britney. this slice-of-life vignette makes me want to make a sugar sandwich on white bread. MMMM!

while mccain and obama are all real serious candidate like in their sober dark suits, hillary is decked out in ice blue, or bright lemon, or candy bright green, or even hot pink. it’s as if a character from a 70’s sitcom were running for president.  and in fact, she does bear a real resemblance to shirley partridge. go on, tell me i’m wrong. you know it’s true.

March 21 - April 19 Aries
You’re missing LOST. We all are. Just a couple more weeks and it will be back. Watch reruns of Star Trek - Voyager to slake your thirst and relive the absolute fabulousness of Captain Katherine Janeway. Did they ever escape the Delta Quadrant?

April 20 - May 20 Taurus
It’s time. You knew this was coming. Go get a pocket dog already.

May 21 - June 20 Gemini
When you go through the airport and they lose your bags, do not, repeat, do not spit at the authority figure who tells you this.

June 21 - July 22 Cancer
If you happen to be the Leader of the Free World, stay up an hour later tonight than usual and go to bed at 10pm. Just for kicks, because tomorrow’s Saturday and you have the day off.

July 23 - August 22 Leo
David Beckham is looking for you. Stop avoiding his calls and get it over with.

August 23 - September 22 Virgo
There’s a book you need to read (Gidget by Frederick Kohner), and don’t be misled - though written for and about teenagers, you will dig it immensely. And it’s a hell of a lot different than the squeaky clean TV version starring Sally Field in the 60’s. The book has pathos - in spades. I kid you not.

September 23 - October 22 Libra
Here’s a radical thought… pay your taxes.

October 23 - November 21 Scorpio
You’ve been on the fence for awhile about this, but it’s time to do it. Wash your hair.

November 22 - December 21 Sagittarius
A tall dark good-looking stranger will approach you at a sporting event this weekend and yell at you for spilling beer on them.

December 22 - January 19 Capricorn
Your lucky day this month is Friday, April 25. Fly to a city in the southern part of the United States whose first letter begins with “A.” All will be revealed.

January 20 - February 18 Aquarius
Make it an 80’s weekend. Netflix The Breakfast Club and figure out which character you would have been. Play nothing but 80’s music all weekend and wear leg warmers.

February 19 - March 20 Pisces
Burnt orange is your color this weekend. Wear it everywhere, including the gym.