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March 21 - April 19 Aries
Your extreme fascination with Britney Spears has got to stop.

April 20 - May 20 Taurus
Waste huge gobs of time watching the “You Suck at Photoshop” series on My Damn Channel. Very, very important.

May 21 - June 20 Gemini
Play a video game, all weekend long. Work on flexing the obsession muscle.

June 21 - July 22 Cancer
You’ll get a call soon from someone in your deep, dark past. Your second-grade teacher, maybe.

July 23 - August 22 Leo
Whatever you do this weekend, wear a hat when you do it.

August 23 - September 22 Virgo
Say it, don’t spray it.

September 23 - October 22 Libra
Netflix all the Beatles’ movies and learn the dialogue by heart.

October 23 - November 21 Scorpio
Go to the store. Any store. Buy something. Anything.

November 22 - December 21 Sagittarius
Go gluten-free. Yes, really.

December 22 - January 19 Capricorn
That itch you’ve been scratching is a deep-seated phobia. Just in case you were wondering. Move on.

January 20 - February 18 Aquarius
Visit a tiki bar. You’ll know why when you get there.

February 19 - March 20 Pisces
We saw what you did. We know who you are. Time to steer clear of clichés.

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