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March 21 - April 19 Aries
Read Peter Pan by James M. Barrie. It’s not for kids.

April 20 - May 20 Taurus
You’re spending entirely too much time on Facebook. Time to get a grip.

May 21 - June 20 Gemini
Go on, buy Newsday. You know you want to. No, I don’t mean buy the paper. I mean BUY the PAPER. It’s for sale.

June 21 - July 22 Cancer
Start the day with deep breathing. Then play an extended session of Rock Band. You’ll be ready for anything.

July 23 - August 22 Leo
If you’re a high-class call girl, avoid clients who might be governors.

August 23 - September 22 Virgo
Listen to every song on your Ipod this weekend. There is a message there.

September 23 - October 22 Libra
Pay your bills. The lights are going off.

October 23 - November 21 Scorpio
If you happen to be the Governor of New Mexico, it is a good day for you to endorse a Senator from Illinois as the Democratic Candidate for President of the United States.

November 22 - December 21 Sagittarius
No yawning, all weekend. Or else something really bad might happen.

December 22 - January 19 Capricorn
If you’re an employee at the State Dept., stop snooping. Might be a good weekend to work on your resume.

January 20 - February 18 Aquarius
Remember the advice of Joe Bonomo: “a party isn’t a party without cheese.” Words to live by.

February 19 - March 20 Pisces
If you’re the War in Iraq, you are five years old this week. We never thought you’d reach the age of a toddler. You’ve caused way too much havoc, and overstayed your welcome by about 4.5 years.

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