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March 21 - April 19 Aries
If you happen to be the Speaker of the House of Representatives, watch out for bullies who threaten you to reject the basic tenets of a democratic society.

April 20 - May 20 Taurus
You’re having dreams about Sanjaya again, aren’t you. This season of AI just isn’t the same. You’re missing him badly and it’s starting to interfere with the day to day.

May 21 - June 20 Gemini
Put up Halloween decorations all over your entire living space this weekend. No reason.

June 21 - July 22 Cancer
Seek out authentic Mexican hot chocolate and drink it. Take my word for this.

July 23 - August 22 Leo
Your assignment this weekend is to locate as many Joe Bonamo books as you can. Caution: it won’t be easy, but it will be very rewarding.

August 23 - September 22 Virgo
Buy Play It As It Lays by Patti Scialfa on Columbia Records & Tapes and rock out to it all weekend.

September 23 - October 22 Libra
Go to Vegas. Remove nipple rings before going to the airport.

October 23 - November 21 Scorpio
If you graduated from Thomas Jefferson College in Allendale, Michigan clap your hands ten times Saturday morning at 11:29 a.m.

November 22 - December 21 Sagittarius
Donnie Hoyle - you so don’t suck at Photoshop! You should be the new poster boy of Photoshop Express. And if you’re not Donnie, friend him on facebook.

December 22 - January 19 Capricorn
Brush your teeth. It’s time.

January 20 - February 18 Aquarius
Get out your Monkees albums and play them. Isn’t it funny how they sound even better now than they did when you were a pipsqueak in the 60’s?

February 19 - March 20 Pisces
Call everyone you’ve ever wronged this weekend and apologize. You’ll feel like a new person. You won’t be, but you will feel like one.

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