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March 21 - April 19 Aries
This weekend, you should consider slowing down and even completely stopping for several minutes, in the spirit of the splendid folks at Improv Everywhere’s “Frozen Grand Central.”

April 20 - May 20 Taurus
Go to Sedona and get thee to a vortex.

May 21 - June 20 Gemini
Sunday afternoon at 3pm you have a date with destiny: listen to Bill Kelly’s radio show The Teenage Wasteland on WFMU. According to Bill, The only things that really matter are baseball and rrreal rock and roll. And he’s right. Mr. Kelly is the Panjandrum of Punk, the Sultan of Surf, and the Viceroy of Vinyl – among other things. He’s been at this since 1978 – and he is still the best.

June 21 - July 22 Cancer
It’s time you realized the world is going to hell in a handbasket. (What is a handbasket, anyway?)

July 23 - August 22 Leo
Don’t take that job you were considering as Lindsay Lohan’s bodyguard.

August 23 - September 22 Virgo
Your assignment this weekend is to read “The Four Hour Workweek” by Timothy Ferriss. And your life will be changed.

September 23 - October 22 Libra
Listen to nothing but the Beatles all day Saturday and Sunday.

October 23 - November 21 Scorpio
If you’re planning to take a trip anywhere this weekend on American Airlines . . . you may want to rethink that.

November 22 - December 21 Sagittarius
Watch as many episodes of Rock of Love 2 as you can find. Where do they find these people?? And then take a really long hot shower to cleanse yourself thoroughly.

December 22 - January 19 Capricorn
Start a campaign against megalomania.

January 20 - February 18 Aquarius

February 19 - March 20 Pisces
The Cars? Or Duran Duran? If you live in New York City, you can help solve this conundrum by going to Joe’s Pub tonight April 11 or tomorrow April 12 and digging the world-famous Losers Lounge. “Straddle the line in discord and rhyme…I’m on the hunt I’m after you…Mouth is alive with juices like wine…And I’m hungry like the wolf.” YEAH, BABY, YEAH!!

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