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March 21 - April 19 Aries
Rediscover David Bowie. This is your weekend assignment.

April 20 - May 20 Taurus
Take a really long bubble bath and drink from a flute of champagne. There, now. Don’t you feel better?

May 21 - June 20 Gemini
Set your Tivo or DVR to tape the worst (and funniest) movie of all time, The Legend of Billie Jean, on Monday April 21 at 11:30AM on Turner Movie Classics. In which Helen Slater gets a goddess complex and starts a children’s crusade, smack dab in the epicenter of the Me Decade. Keep an eye out for the incredible Yeardley Smith as one of Billie Jean’s cohorts. Fair is Fair!

June 21 - July 22 Cancer
You need guidance and advice – and who doesn’t? scoop* du jour has just the person for you to talk to. Dena Paduano is a life coach with a psychic twist who can help you figure out what’s next and how best to proceed on the path.

July 23 - August 22 Leo
Listen to Radio David Byrne, which this month takes as its theme Turkish Pop Music. The word is transcendent.

August 23 - September 22 Virgo
Three words for you: The Yummy List. Investigate this delicious occasional ramble of all things yummy sent out into the world by writer Holly Gleason.

September 23 - October 22 Libra
Je t’aime…moi non plus. Find out everything you can about the late brilliant & debauched artist Serge Gainsbourg. It will help to drink lots of black coffee and smoke some gauloises while working on this assignment.

October 23 - November 21 Scorpio
Build a little altar to the genius of Stephen Colbert. Because he’s just, well, so damn good!

November 22 - December 21 Sagittarius
Go on and do it, do it, do it ’til you’re satisfied, whatever it is, do it, do it ’til you’re satisfied. (B.T. Express)

December 22 - January 19 Capricorn
Discover the beauteous and hysterically funny Catie Lazarus, writer/comedian/doctorate dropout. West coasters can catch her in person tomorrow night, Saturday April 19 at the Steve Allen Theater in LA as part of the Tomorrow Show, also on Monday April 21 on What’s Up Tiger Lily? 1745 North Vermont Ave. in LA. New Yorkers can see her next Friday April 25 at The Puffin Room in NYC. Lewis Black called her “more brilliant than she will ever know.” We’re going to go all 16-Magazine on you now ….itza-don’t-miss!

January 20 - February 18 Aquarius
You’ve probably never heard of the Kit Kats, a 60’s band from Philadelphia. Doesn’t matter. Go to iTunes immediately and download Let’s Get Lost On A Country Road. It’s 2 minutes and 41 seconds of pure, underrated baroque pop heaven, inspired by Aaron Copland.

February 19 - March 20 Pisces
Make a date with your teevee set for Sunday night at 9pm (8 central) to see the Rock of Love 2 Reunion on VH1, even if you never watched the series. Be sure to have something on hand that can alter your mind a teensy bit because you’ll need it. Word on the street says that Bret is going to cry on the show. ‘Nuff said.

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